Crazy Ass Planet

First of all, please note this is one of the best days of the year. How is that, you ask? It’s dark, winter is about to begin officially, there’s seasonal stress and so on. How can that be good?

Because from here on in, the sun is coming back. More light every day. It’s a slow build, mind you, but build it does. With a tenacity that will not be denied, the sun is wiping out the dark. Fittingly, I’m listening to Kate Bush, “The sun’s coming out! The sun’s coming out!” The song’s “Cloudbusting,” with the great lines,

Oh, I just know that something good is going to happen,
And I don’t know when.
But just saying it could even make it happen.

But on the subject of the slapstick life

I took today off. I thought, “Great googley-moogley! It’s damn near Christmas – I outta do something about that.” So with the best intentions, I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to set up my wireless network.

Yeah, well it should have taken a half hour tops but … oh, I don’t want to begin. Let’s just say if the idiots who make these things were dying of thirst and had to ask for water they wouldn’t be able to. Because they don’t know how to communicate the simplest things!

Anyway … I eventually get out of the house. I go downtown. Everyone’s rushing around, looking frantic. I’m concerned. I enter the mall – but I don’t know why. What am I going to get? Who for? I haven’t considered these crucial questions. I’m just down there ‘cause I figure I better do something, and do it soon.

As it turns out, here was also something else I needed to do – and damn quick!

I don’t wish to be unpleasant, but as I wandered aimlessly, clearly without purpose, a rather alarming realization came to me.

My ass was going to explode!

What’s that about? Where’d it come from? What did I eat that wanted to get back out with the quality and power of an upthrusting lava expulsion?

Why me? Why now?

Even had I seen something I had wanted to buy, one glance told me there was no way I’d be standing calmly and patiently in one of those lines waiting to pay up. The remainder of my day, and there was not much left of it as it was late afternoon, was given over to panic and sphincter control.

There is no Zen meditation that will help you with this. No mantra to calm the roiling innards when they are determined to blast.

Precious time was wasted as I debated – do I use a public facility (please answer no)? Or have I the constitutional strength to go home? Should I choose the latter, I would be empty-handed as far as purchases went, but my pants would be empty too – and surely that’s a good thing?

I decided to go home. I’m sure the other bus riders considered me a rather stern and unfriendly looking fellow, given the season, but had they known the nature of my internal struggle, I’m sure they would have understood. And likely would have yelled at the driver, “For the love of Mike – step on it!”

Well, I got home. I attended to my business which proved to be as ugly as it threatened. But at least no public humiliation was incurred.

And what was it I ate today? A Big Extra at McDonalds. Some extra!

How’s that for a Christmas story?

And don’t forget - Best Blogs 2005

I neglected to mention … Kris has tackled the mind-numbing (and finger-numbing, I should imagine) task of compiling some 70 posts from various bloggers from 2005. Including another of my shit posts. (I hope this doesn’t become a personal theme for me.) Now you can read the joys, the shames, the traumas and foibles of the blog world, just by going to Your Best of 2005 (or, It’s not a competition already).

Tags: How to become an idiot

Bookmark to: