Crazy Ass Planet

I’m not good at looking back on things like the year now ending because my brain has no sense for time. Quite often I don’t even know what day it is. So to look back at last summer, or spring, or at the year overall … well, I think certain things happened and it turns out they occurred two years ago. Or I think something transpired in a sultry July when it happened during an ice cold February.

And regardless of what the year actually was like, any characterization I give to it is coloured by what things feel like now, in this moment. This being the case, this year has felt like a non-existent one. A lost year. One that should have happened but didn’t. Maybe I tripped into a wormhole and scooted right through 2005 only to find myself at the tail end of it thinking, “What happened? Where’d that year ago? Did anything interesting happen during it?”

I’d say no. I’ve been locked in some kind of weird emotional stasis. Or so it feels.

In the world, I’d say 2005 was the year of calamity, and another year of general bitchiness and disagreeableness. It feels as if the entire world (including myself) is on this long spoiled brat whine. And some days I wish we’d all just fucking shuttup.

Interestingly, this post seems to be another contribution to that long whine. Hmm.

The real problem for me, in 2005 I was largely bored and brooding and maybe a teensy bit bipolar, as I think we all are from time to time. And the reason it was a problem (apart from the obvious), is I can’t seem to get my ass in gear to end it. I think many of us are over-indulgent of these states. And I seem to be extremely over-indulgent of it these days.

So for 2006? … As others have said, resolutions are a fool’s game. Rather, I think a wish list is better. And mine goes like this, in no particular order:

- more sun
- more laughter
- better jokes (see above)
- more people (I’ve become REALLY reclusive)
- new job (or at least something interesting and challenging in the one I have now)*
- new digs (maybe even a new city?)*
- more writing what I want; less writing what others want
- bowling! I wanna go bowling again! Why do none of the people I know wanna go bowling???
- an e-mail at least from my brother so we know he’s still alive out there somewhere
- back on the writing thing … write a novel and/or screenplay (probably a novel, at least first, because it’s just more fun and satisfying, at least for me)

Tomorrow or the next day I’ll regret posting this because 1) the list will give me a sense of obligation which, after time, I’ll feel guilty for not meeting and 2) the overall post has a kind of glum, reflective feel to me. And that ain’t no frame of mind for starting something new, like a year.

You know what I’d really like to do in 2006? Seriously? Run away and join the circus which, in my case, would mean leaving my job and spending the year writing. Problem with that is people don’t pay you for it and the bill collecting bastards are a relentless crew.

Finally, one more thing for my wish list, from Lucinda Williams’ song Ventura:

I want to see the ocean bend
The edges of the sun then
I wanna get swallowed up in
an ocean of love.

Now that would make 2006 a great year.

* These are musings, not so much wishes.

Tag: New Year, 2006, Writing, How to become an idiot

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