Subscribe to
Posts
Comments

And if life were perfect? …

January 27th, 2006 by Bill

If life were perfect, what would that be like?

If I were to go to bed and find my bedfellow was Eva Longoria, and she didn’t snore or do leg kicks in her sleep, didn’t have cold feet and fornicated on command like a wildcat rather than lie there like a dead fish as so often is the case with people who are too good looking for words, not that I would know but I imagine quite well and I’m pretty sure that’s how it works – it’s we lesser beings that put the oomph into a sexual go-round, but I ramble … ?

What if I were as rich as sin, would everything that I could buy break and screw up like everything seems to manage to do, or would my fabulous wealth magically circumvent the reality that companies, for the most part, produce crap (in the interests of shareholder value) … ?

If life were perfect would God turn a blind eye to my years of furious masturbation when I finally kick the bucket and let me through the Pearly Gates to play golf forever on velvet greens with Tiger Woods despite the fact golf bores the shit out of me … ?

Would God, instead, let me bowl with Jeff Bridges … if life were perfect? … (that was a cinema reference to the Dude, for those who may be wondering.) …

If life were perfect would I have better things to do than write moronic posts such as this one … ?

If life were perfect … Oh! If only life were perfect I’m sure it would be … well, something more or something different than what it actually is. On the other hand, I’ve this sneaking feeling it would be a lot less interesting.

Haven’t you ever noticed how the perfect people seem to be perfectly boring? Or, if you’re the nosey type and you see what their lives are really like, how they’re never really quite so perfect?

Life’s funny that way. Actually, on the whole, life is just plain funny.

(And let me here offer my apologies to Eve Longoria. We have never had sex so I have no idea what a coupling with her would be like. I am, however, open to exploring the possibilities.)

Tag: , ,

9 Responses to “And if life were perfect? …”

  1. on 27 Jan 2006 at 3:02 am1 rOnI

    you are funny!

  2. on 27 Jan 2006 at 12:20 pm2 Sizzle

    perfect people ARE boring. i liked the fucked up ones myself. keeps things interesting, that is for sure. ;)

  3. on 27 Jan 2006 at 1:48 pm3 none - ya

    It’s the seemingly perfect people (on the outside) that have the most fucked up lives (internally). What goes on behind that picket fence is anyone’s guess, but usually boring people are just trying to cover up the fucked up secret lives they lead. At least that’s what I think in my head. Goes along with my “crazy” post the other day.

  4. on 27 Jan 2006 at 1:50 pm4 none - ya

    Also, perfect is a relative term. It has no mathematical point with which to reference any irregularities as far as human lives are concerned anyway. I think if you’re born with 10 fingers and 10 toes and you don’t hurt other people, you’re pretty fucking perfect.

  5. on 27 Jan 2006 at 2:52 pm5 Lushy

    Eva has been quoted as saying the the best sex she has ever had was with her vibrator. Maybe you can change that for her?

  6. on 28 Jan 2006 at 6:15 pm6 jeopardygirl

    If life were perfect… I dunno, Bill. I’d already have a kid, maybe? I would be more upbeat? There would be better shows on TV? Rubenesque women would be considered the ultimate in beauty? Married men would have locks on their zippers? Who knows.

    Someone once told me that we’re all the same inside, it’s just the package that’s different. I always liked that idea.

  7. on 29 Jan 2006 at 12:47 am7 he's dead, jim!

    The Dude abides. And eternity with him and his nemesis, Jesus, would be enough entertainment for eternity.

    namaste.
    ~HDJ

  8. on 29 Jan 2006 at 3:17 am8 Bill

    Oh yes! The Dude abides!

  9. on 30 Jan 2006 at 8:12 pm9 Spinning Girl

    This was a joy to read!

Leave a Reply