Crazy Ass Planet

As I type this I am sipping tea and eating strawberries. It is basic, run of the mill orange pekoe tea I drink, no sugar, no milk, no cream. Plain tea. Mmm. And …

I am eating strawberries. Let me tell you a few things about strawberries you may not know.

Admittedly, I do not have scientific data to support these claims, but they are true. I’m sure of it. And if I’m sure, it must be true, mustn’t it?

Strawberries make your genitals more functionally adept and help deliver heightened sexual satisfaction. I’m almost positive this is true. Someone should do a study to confirm this.

Strawberries make you smarter not because they make your brains bigger (though they do) but because they influence the electrical activity of the brain so that you make better, and more creative, synaptic leaps and connections. For example, you cease to admire Scarlet Johanson’s breasts and begin noticing her performance in films like A Love Song for Bobby Long. (Of course, your more acutely sensitive genitals add, as an afterthought, “But, gosh, those are dynamite breasts!”)

Strawberries will cause you to rethink ill-considered political views – I would say more about this but many people are not eating strawberries as they read this and a kerfuffle could ensue based on their wrong opinions.

Eating strawberries will promote the support of the better sports teams, such as the Edmonton Oilers, and help to underline the tedious quality of professional basketball.

When you eat strawberries you will read better books. More importantly, however, you will actually want to read, understanding finally that a life of ignorance is very much like going through life as a potato that aspires to nothing more than to one day be peeled and sliced and become part of a McDonald’s Happy Meal, a fairly sad aspiration.

People who eat strawberries on a regular basis dress better. Have better hair. Are more fit. Listen to better music. It is still unclear to the scientific world why this is so but, that it is so, is beyond disagreement.

All the hosts of network entertainment programs eat strawberries. Hosts of local entertainment programs do not.

Be advised: people who work in radio do not eat strawberries.

Shakespeare ate strawberries just before and during the writing of all his plays.

There are no strawberries on the moon. Therefore, there is no sex.

I should mention Mexico … I thank Mexico because, in my part of the world, the wintry months don’t lend themselves to the growing of strawberries. We must bring ours in from elsewhere. Thus, the strawberries I eat tonight were born in Mexico, they have a Latin ancestry, and so I soon shall be listening to the Gipsy Kings on my iPod. Thank you Mexico for the strawberries. Very tasty.

And that is the truth about strawberries.

Tags: Strawberries

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